Breathe

I hate tonight.  I've hated the majority of this past week, quite honestly, and so now I'm coping the way I've always coped.  I do everything I can to stay busy and escape all of the thoughts in my own head; in the process, my room has become seemingly spotless.  How I wish that cleaning out my thoughts was as easy as cleaning my room!  Wipe away the dust, rinse a little, step back and observe, rearrange, and then observe again until it's perfect.  No, it's never like that - and it never will be.  And that's okay, I think.  Right now, it absolutely sucks and I would do pretty much anything to turn my brain off for just one second, but I know that this too is only temporary.  I will go to bed and I will wake up because God is faithful, and I will get out of bed not because I want to do anything besides hide from the world, but because God is good.  I will continue on through the valley because I know I'm on the way to a hill where I can watch the sun set, just like in Verona.  I will keep walking, stumbling, crawling, journeying to where I belong.  I don't belong here and I never will; God knows how keenly I feel it.  It aches in my bones, in my blood, in my soul.  Everything in me screams that it wants to be Home, but He whispers "time".  My heart weighs heavy in my chest as I breathe, and I cry out, and I breathe; I struggle, but I breathe.  I breathe because He is faithful, and I breathe because He is life. 

Summer; here and gone

And it’s over.  Just like that.

Every year, I tell myself that the summer is going to last forever; that I’m going to take time to spend with all of the people that I love and not worry about getting a job or making money.  And every year, I manage to take multiple jobs and see less of those I love, but more than my budget should allow.  It gets harder and harder because I know how I would like to prioritize, but I also know that common sense often has to overcome the desires of the heart.  So this summer I have faithfully gone to work, saved money, and prayed for the ability to go on weekend trips.  God has blessed me with friends who drive to see me and who are gracious enough to not mention how tedious it is to make the trip; He has also blessed me with parents who let me borrow the car to return the favor (although not as often as my unwise youth would beg), which is a wonderful thing to be thankful for!

This summer has been a smooth drive mixed with a few potholes, and in spite of many tears, I have learned much.  I have learned that “friends” are not real unless they’re there for you when life is tough and you shut down; I have learned that my heart cannot fall, it must be conquered; and finally, I have learned that spending time with Jesus is more precious than a child’s laugh.  The bubbling sound of a child’s laughter is number one on my list of favorite things, and yet somehow Jesus manages to trump that sound.  It should always be that way, but I tend to forget this important thing and allow life to consume me instead.  Thank God for this summer.

They say that summer is the time for romance and I have to agree; I seem to have fallen even more deeply in love with my Savior and all of His creation.  When I see a sunset, I have to stop and stare at the colors and marvel at the incredible sight in front of me; if a family of ducks decides to explore the sand and learn what to eat, I take a picture to remind me of the wonderful way our Lord provides even for the birds.  I’m falling head over heels in love as I notice each little dew drop on a blade of grass as I walk barefoot to pick blueberries.  It’s crazy to most people, I know.  But let me tell you…I have never felt more alive.  Living, breathing, admiring; it’s a dance.  It was once written, “To refuse God recognition is to quit the cosmic dance”; please don’t ever quit this dance.  Look around and enjoy the little things that bring your heart joy!  God delights in bringing us joy and even in the trials, we are able to find our joy in Him and in the things He has created that are all around us.  Stop and look!  “Taste and see that the Lord is good”! (Psalm 34:8a)

Romance is a whirlwind of emotions, a time when you begin to see a glimpse into someone else’s heart and love them because the things you see in their heart are things that capture you and encourage you to grow, to become someone better.  Jesus’ heart is so deep and His love for us is so great that it is unfathomable, but He has opened my eyes even wider this summer and let me see the things that were concealed as I stumbled in the dark.  I live under the shadow of grace, love, and sacrifice; what more could I ask for?  I’m hopelessly caught up in this love that consumes my heart, that makes me whole.  It’s no longer a summer romance; it’s becoming my way of life.

Moments

A moment.  What makes a moment memorable?  Is it the sound of a voice or the words that are said?  Or is it perhaps, the feeling of belonging, that makes a moment?  The deep feeling that you are meant to discover this moment and share it with whomever you're with?  Whatever it is that composes a moment, it changes us.  It makes us or breaks us, it expands our horizons, and our hearts are somehow different.  People change over time because life is not just a continuous rat race, it is a series of snapshots; a series of moments that melt and reshape our very being.  When you live as though life never ceases, slows down, or you forget to capture the moment, life is a sad thing and you are to be pitied.  This world is not meant to go faster and faster in a whirlwind of busyness; even Jesus took time to spend with the children and a lone woman at a well.  He understood that those moments were precious, that those moments changed the lives of others.  You and I, we change the lives of others, both knowingly and unknowingly.  So let's make sure that those special times spent where we create a still-life, even just for a second, let's make those times matter.  Situations are merely ways in which we are able to draw closer to our Lord and learn to praise Him in both the times of growth and the times of drought.  Enjoy the good moments as well as the bad, because you'll never know all that you're missing until you enjoy where you are, in this instant.  This very second is to be forever petrified in a memory; don't miss out on the chance to delight in a moment. 

Home

Home is feet running to meet you

The sparkle of a child’s eye

A moment of bliss

Home is the innocent laughter

The precious tears

A memory of a night

Home is a word whispered in your ear

The little hands to hold

A dance seen by the King

Home is the reckless abandon

The stillness of sleep

A song unknown to the world

Home is muddled confusion

The emergencies of life

A need for patience

Home is a tall tree

The sharp blade of green

A hope in the dark

Home is a gift undeserved

The heartbeat of an age

A second chance

Home is a glowing warmth

The unending forgiveness

A Sovereign love

Home is rags in a stable

The cry of my Messiah

A Light for this world

Home is the precious Savior

The Son on a cross of wood

A lifetime of sin crucified

Home is so simple

The touch of grace

A heart thawed once again

Home is a soul at rest

The joyful thought of Heaven

A place to spend eternity

Home is with You

The one place I belong

A perfect ending

Ah, the pains of growing up...

                Little children look so happy and bouncy all of the time.  Even after a long day at school or playing outside, they still never seem to lose that little spark that makes them incredibly joyful.  What have we done as we've gotten older that's made us into the sad and lifeless beings that we've become?  We're supposed to be simple like the children and yet there's something that comes into our hearts and weighs us down so that we don't have that privilege.  We're never as teachable as children, we're never as trusting, never as loving.  There's something in the mentality of a child that we tend to lose somewhere in the realm of becoming an adult.  Or maybe instead of losing something, we just gain too much.  We gain the hurt of being screwed over too many times by those we've trusted, we gain sorrow from the deaths of those we love, we gain the burden of being independent.  Maybe we don't lose our innocence or our faith in others, maybe we just bury it deep and it becomes so intertwined with the heaviness of our decisions that we don't even notice it still exists.  It's quite possible that the things we seem to have "lost" is really just an excuse for those things that we've gained and now seem to cloud who we really are.

                Face it, very few people in this world like to be genuine.  Being genuine requires you to be vulnerable and it's rare that we like to be in that position of vulnerability.  It hurts to be open and let people see who you really are when most of those people either use you until they've had enough, or really just don't care who you are.  Once in a great while, a person will take the time to dig down deep and figure you out and then you know that you have someone worth keeping; someone worth all of your time, because they truly care about who you are and what makes you into the person that they see.  But since those times tend to be few and far between, we sometimes give up on the hope that they still exist.  And that's where we fall apart and lose the inside spark.  That's where our hearts change from the heart of an expectant and hopeful child, to the bitter and hard heart of someone we associate with maturity and strength; when this change occurs, we magically transform into an "adult".  How messed up is that?  We spend our childhood years pretending to be grown up and being pushed to be better people, but to actually become adults, we're asked to harden our hearts to some of the very things that make us the people we are.  It's no wonder that this world is going down the tubes; if everyone is fake, what do we have to believe in anymore?

                Jesus.  That’s the one thing that I have to believe in.  The one word that has power over my life, the one man who is the Son of God; the one Person to ever change the world in every single way.  People occasionally scorn me and say that I’m childlike and naive about things, but they don’t realize how much they’re complimenting me!  When I’m childlike, I’m filled with such a joy of life and a want to serve my incredible Creator!  I’d rather have a young soul in an old body, just bursting with the love of Jesus, than have a young body with an old soul, dead and withered.  So, I will become this thing we label an “adult”, but I will try and approach it with a childlike spirit and a soft heart.  Because, after all, Jesus is still here for me to believe in. :)

Italy

Sitting around the table, voices lilting up and down; the candlelight reflecting on laughing faces as the shadows dance in patterns on the wall.
"You're going to miss this", my head says.  "Shut up", I tell myself.  But over and over, all I can hear is that voice, telling me to take it all in because when I leave, I will never know the feeling of home as I know it right now.  I will be different, changed...and yet somehow the same person.  Not so naive, maybe a bit more hardened.  Still confused, still not knowing what to expect, but hopefully more full of faith than I am now.  Hopefully more fearless and less doubting than I feel currently.  Not full of wondering if traveling halfway across the world is the right thing to do; not wondering if things will be changed so much that I won't fit in anymore.

Fitting in is never something I've been good at doing.  I get along with people and I have a gift of being able to understand and feel others' pain, but I rarely feel as though I fit in.  Maybe I'm not meant to; I don't know.  There are a few places where I feel as if I belong and I guess I'm scared that a prolonged absence will change the few places I feel safe.  But growing up isn't about being safe, is it?  It's about stepping out of my realm of normalcy and trying to live life the way an adult has to.  Learning the hard way, through my own mistakes and rash decisions - figuring out what is solid ground and where my life contains quicksand.  Trying to grasp the idea that life is a vapor in the wind and the things that seem to loom over me at the moment are really irrelevant compared to what comes after this life.

Life is a learning process.  My parents always say that the minute you stop learning, that's the minute you die.  So, I'm learning.  I'm learning to love, even when it hurts to let go.  To never give up on something that seems impossible, because if it's supposed to happen, God blesses the effort.  I'm learning that every tear and every heartache and every trial is just boiling down the dross to reveal the silver.  Because we all have silver; it's just buried deeper for some of us.

So now...I welcome Italy.  I welcome the joy it will bring me, the tears I will inevitably shed, the memories I will cherish, and the relationships that will develop.  I welcome the pain of growing up, the challenges of keeping strong relationships while an ocean separates us.  I welcome it with open arms because it's going to change me in ways that will glorify my Creator.  Every single thing I go through will cause me to either fall on my knees in sadness or joy - but my knees is where I need to live my life.
So now...I think I'll go buy some knee pads.  Because I'm going to need them even more than I do right now.