Perspectives from a desiring heart

I can cook, clean, dance, sing, drive, work, write…but it’s less about what I can do, and more about what I am.  People make resolutions every year, but I don’t really do that.  Instead, I keep an ongoing list in my journal about the things that I want to be.  I want to be that person that I was created to be, but often I get caught up in the things that I think other people want me to be; this life is not about my image through others’ eyes, but about my image through God’s eyes.  So I started this journal list years ago to remind me of the things that I should be, as a woman of God.  I’ll type it all out so you can understand exactly what it is that I’m talking about.

To be:

Prudent

Wise

Merciful

Kind

Loving

Patient

God-fearing

Truthful

Humble

Joyful

Peaceful

Gentle

Self-controlled

Slow to anger

Pure

Teachable

Prayerful

Repentant

Listener

Compassionate

Teacher

Integral

Virtuous

Perseverant

Counselor

Discerning

Generous

Faithful

Trusting

Loyal

Diligent

Meek

I look at this list and I see that I have a very long road ahead of me, but with God’s grace I can look behind me and see the little things that have changed since I was fourteen.  I’m not the same person now that I was then, and I pray that in the future I will be able to look back and say the exact same thing, and praise God for the many things that I have become.

As a young woman who desires to be loved, it’s hard for me to see many of my friends with significant others, fiancées, husbands and wives.  But then I look in the mirror and realize that it’s okay because I have a lot of work to do before I’m ready for all of that!  There’s no point in chasing after “love” when the woman in the mirror lacks many qualities that would prepare her to accept love.   When that woman concentrates on being the person that God has called her to be and strives to attain characteristics that resemble her King, when she is able to stand on her own two feet and be a woman of God with only Jesus to lean on, not a man…then and only then will she be ready for a relationship.  Not only that, but she will actually be worth pursuing.  She will be the woman that is most desirable because she has not found herself through worldly means, but through Jesus Christ.  That is the woman that I long to be.  This is not a New Year’s resolution; it’s an every single day resolution.  I’m making a moment-to-moment resolution and even though I constantly fail, I look forward to the times when I succeed and hear my Maker saying “Well done”.

It's a fine white dust

Normally, I don't look forward to Christmas.  I dislike dressing up to go to parties that I don't feel are necessary, and I dislike hearing "HO HO HO" every two seconds.  But this year, something is different.  There's something incredibly magical about this winter, especially Christmas.  There's something new and special about the way giant snowflakes fall on the ground and the way the trees look when covered in a fine white dust.  My heart balloons with joy when I walk outside and feel the cold bite of the wind as snow cuts into my cheek.  I feel alive, I feel the heartbeat of the way nature celebrates certain seasons.  I can see God's beauty demonstrated in the curve of every branch, in a simple footprint, in a bald patch of grass.
I walked (waltzed) down Market Street last week underneath a sky full of puffy snowflakes that landed in my hair and on my eyelashes.  I stepped through puddles and found new snow where no one had ever walked; I sang Christmas carols while dancing down the street.  Something in me feels reborn this winter and I can't understand why.  My life is nowhere near perfect and I have things that are weighing heavy on my heart but when I set foot outside, God is good enough to let me forget the things that trouble me and let me focus solely on the fact that He created all of the beauty for me to enjoy.

It leaves me breathless.

I gasp for air, this time not because my heart is drowning, but because I'm dazzled by the splendor that wraps its arms around New York in the wintertime.  I'm dazzled by the Creator who made stark and barren trees suddenly light up with the decoration of a simple powder.  I'm dazzled by the way a fog lifts and lets you see the ugly become beautiful.  In truth, I'm dazzled by the love my God has for the creation that He brought into being.  He wants us to see and appreciate His artistry, no matter what season of life we're muddling through.  Right now, my heart hurts and I'm trying to study for finals and I'm lonely; somehow, His creation reminds me that none of that really matters.  He's here, and that's what matters.  I have a loving, caring, crazy-in-love-with-me God.  Why should anything else matter?

Breathe

I hate tonight.  I've hated the majority of this past week, quite honestly, and so now I'm coping the way I've always coped.  I do everything I can to stay busy and escape all of the thoughts in my own head; in the process, my room has become seemingly spotless.  How I wish that cleaning out my thoughts was as easy as cleaning my room!  Wipe away the dust, rinse a little, step back and observe, rearrange, and then observe again until it's perfect.  No, it's never like that - and it never will be.  And that's okay, I think.  Right now, it absolutely sucks and I would do pretty much anything to turn my brain off for just one second, but I know that this too is only temporary.  I will go to bed and I will wake up because God is faithful, and I will get out of bed not because I want to do anything besides hide from the world, but because God is good.  I will continue on through the valley because I know I'm on the way to a hill where I can watch the sun set, just like in Verona.  I will keep walking, stumbling, crawling, journeying to where I belong.  I don't belong here and I never will; God knows how keenly I feel it.  It aches in my bones, in my blood, in my soul.  Everything in me screams that it wants to be Home, but He whispers "time".  My heart weighs heavy in my chest as I breathe, and I cry out, and I breathe; I struggle, but I breathe.  I breathe because He is faithful, and I breathe because He is life.