Sitting around the table, voices lilting up and down; the candlelight reflecting on laughing faces as the shadows dance in patterns on the wall.
"You're going to miss this", my head says. "Shut up", I tell myself. But over and over, all I can hear is that voice, telling me to take it all in because when I leave, I will never know the feeling of home as I know it right now. I will be different, changed...and yet somehow the same person. Not so naive, maybe a bit more hardened. Still confused, still not knowing what to expect, but hopefully more full of faith than I am now. Hopefully more fearless and less doubting than I feel currently. Not full of wondering if traveling halfway across the world is the right thing to do; not wondering if things will be changed so much that I won't fit in anymore.
Fitting in is never something I've been good at doing. I get along with people and I have a gift of being able to understand and feel others' pain, but I rarely feel as though I fit in. Maybe I'm not meant to; I don't know. There are a few places where I feel as if I belong and I guess I'm scared that a prolonged absence will change the few places I feel safe. But growing up isn't about being safe, is it? It's about stepping out of my realm of normalcy and trying to live life the way an adult has to. Learning the hard way, through my own mistakes and rash decisions - figuring out what is solid ground and where my life contains quicksand. Trying to grasp the idea that life is a vapor in the wind and the things that seem to loom over me at the moment are really irrelevant compared to what comes after this life.
Life is a learning process. My parents always say that the minute you stop learning, that's the minute you die. So, I'm learning. I'm learning to love, even when it hurts to let go. To never give up on something that seems impossible, because if it's supposed to happen, God blesses the effort. I'm learning that every tear and every heartache and every trial is just boiling down the dross to reveal the silver. Because we all have silver; it's just buried deeper for some of us.
So now...I welcome Italy. I welcome the joy it will bring me, the tears I will inevitably shed, the memories I will cherish, and the relationships that will develop. I welcome the pain of growing up, the challenges of keeping strong relationships while an ocean separates us. I welcome it with open arms because it's going to change me in ways that will glorify my Creator. Every single thing I go through will cause me to either fall on my knees in sadness or joy - but my knees is where I need to live my life.
So now...I think I'll go buy some knee pads. Because I'm going to need them even more than I do right now.
